Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined

Dear readers, how could I have been so wrong? Several of you have noted that "Guffett" is a much more logical nickname for our leading foundation team than Biffett. Plus, it creates space for Ms. Guffett. So after extensive market research, I move that "Biffett is dead, long live Guffett!" Can I get a second?

So if you think GatesGate was the most talked about Guffett story of recent weeks, I'm sorry to say you'd be wrong. No, if a month of Google Alerts is any indication, there is no long tale to this puppy. Here's what people are really chatting about online:

Guffett Sr. "follows his own path not only in investing, but also with his diet, salting his food with a farmhand’s gusto, drinking lots of Coca-Cola and regularly visiting his favorite Omaha steakhouse, Gorat's."

Recently while in Scotland, many were impressed by Guffett Jr's puntuality. "Journalists were briefed that a press conference would last 14 minutes and he departed just 19 seconds late."

In a startling online confession, the 51-year-old Guffett Jr. has admitted he's not a great Halo 2 player, but is a fair Uno, Project Gotham and online bridge aficionado. Though I'm willing to bet his twin is quite a gamer, given his love of boy toys.

While many believe that an audience with Guffett Sr. is "on par with that of a philosophy student conversing with Plato," it seems a few disbelievers are still not on the bus. For the elder Guffett was recently presented the prestigious Cold, Dead Fish Award. Hopefully he got his unruly eyebrows trimmed before he had to give his acceptance speach.

Now here's a creative new idea for how to give away their combined wealth:

"The $60 billion Guffett Foundation could, in theory, employ a 4,100-man air and ground-mobile brigade for a year, using only the foundation's annual investment income. Such a brigade of former special forces men would have the capability of removing just about any government in Africa, many in Asia, and more than a few in Latin America. When Guffett seethe with frustration over the corruption, incompetence, and tribalism that interfere with their public health efforts in Africa, one wonders whether the thought of more direct measures ever enters their minds."

And say it's not true, but reports are beginning to surface that the younger Guffett may have Aspergers, which has prompted celebrity Medical Ethicist Arthur Caplan, Ph.D. to ask "Would you have allowed Guffett Jr. to be born?"

But don't worry, it's not all work and no play for team Guffett. Recently they were presented with Hooters VIP Cards at a Hooters Restaurant in Kansas City. The cards entitle them to free food at any of the chains 435 locations in 46 states and 20 countries -- but they do have to pay for their own drinks.

Party Fun Fact: The birth of Guffett has now been determined to be one of the seminal events in the history of capitalism. Who knew? You do now.